Playing Cupid
Craig Hough sits under the learning tree of internationally acclaimed TV matchmaker and entrepreneur Paul C. Brunson
Paul, what is your love story?
Some people say our meeting was romantic; some people say I was being a thug. We met in school and at the time Jill (my wife) was dating one of my friends. I gave him my car in college, and I loaned him $20 and I knew he would take that and leave campus and hang out with some other people. So, when he took my car and $20, I went and knocked on her door and started talking to her. We started as friends and grew into best friends and grew into two people that romantically loved each other.
You become a matchmaker after your wedding – what led you down this path?
Before I entered the world of matchmaking, I had a career in finance in investment banking. Then in the evenings, I ran a non-profit that helped underserved kids, that we tutored. They came from impoverished households and one of the questions asked to enter the programme was, “how many parents live in the household?”. Out of all of our kids, not one had both parents (living at home). Most were living with just their mother, or grandmother and there was very little male representation in their household. The councillors at the camp would joke with me and say “Paul you look so concerned about this, why don’t you just start hooking up all the moms? You need to matchmake the moms”. At first, it was a joke, but that led me to think that we are tutoring these kids, but fundamentality there is something missing in their household. That’s what led me down the path. A year later I came up with the idea to become a matchmaker.
This led you to work with the Queen of US Media Oprah Winfrey, who said you were “much more than a matchmaker”. How was your time working with her?
It’s interesting, I call her Oprah, but when you work with her you call her “Miss Winfrey”. She changed my life. There were two big ways she changed my life; one was just by working with her. By working with Oprah, she legitimises you as she says she only works with the best in the world. That legitimised me and helped grow my professional brand so that I’m appreciative of. Secondly, just observing her and how she interacted was a training ground. I worked with her for 3 years, so I was able to see how she interacted, and I wrote an article called 20 things I learned working for two billionaires, and I chronicle so many of the lessons I was able to observe from her. Things I still use to this day.
You and your family moved over to London to film Married at First Sight and Celebs Go Dating, how do you find the UK and attention around the shows?
I’m in South London, Dulwich, I love London. My wife loves it; my sons love it. When we moved over, we did an entire loop around the UK. We did Wales, Ireland, Northern Ireland, across to Scotland, right up to the Highlands. I think Manchester is one of the best cities in the world, period. It’s super diverse, the food is incredible and so many innovations came out of Manchester.
When we walk down the street people stop all the time and psychologically it’s affirming because it’s people saying, “I appreciate your work. I see what you’re doing. And what I love most is when people say, “Hey Paul, I really listen to your words on the show” or they simply say, “you have helped me”, it’s all love. When Married at First Sight is on, we are stopped all the time and I appreciate it.
Speaking of Married at First Sight, on an episode during the last series you said, “interests mean nothing in terms of compatibility – what means everything is values.” What kind of conversations should new couples be having on values before committing to a relationship?
Values are your rules to life. That’s how you have decided to live your life. Interests come from the values. For example, my wife and I are creatives. A value is creativity. She likes 80’s rock music and I like hip-hop. We don’t like the same music, so we don’t have the same interest when it comes to that, but we are grounded in our love of creativity. I appreciate that she appreciated that music. So, values are the rulebook to life.
To your question, if you’re dating, find out where your partner spends their free time and their free money, so their extra time and their extra money. On a Sunday, when they are not working, what do they do with their time? Where do they spend their money? Because wherever you spend your time and money, that is what you value.
After so many years working in the industry, what is it that you still love about it that keeps you motivated?
Every day we have had success stories. Let’s look at Married at First Sight. People look at it and say, “oh it’s entertainment” but it’s the most successful dating franchise in the world. Two series ago we had a 75% success rate. Last series we had a 25% success rate, which is still higher than any dating app. We already have Married at First Sight babies. The science works. And that’s just the show. Outside of the show, countless people may say, “Paul you said something on Celebs Go Dating that my husband and I used and saved our marriage.” It’s countless, that’s what really drives me.
With many people living in the big cities using apps as a way of fast fashion dating, meeting many potential partners, with no long term relationship in sight. What guidance would you offer?
The first is to get incredibly clear about the type of relationship you want to have because that wasn’t a thing 20 years ago. There was basically marriage, or you could be single. But now, you can be not married, in a committed, non-monogamous relationship, or you could be in a married, polyamorous relationship, or you could be in a committed, monogamous relationship but not married. There are so many different options, so get clear about what you want. The most important thing to be clear about is; are you interested in “short-term dating” (or in the evolutionary psychology world we call it “short term mating”) or are you interested in long-term dating (mating). The reason why is that your strategies become completely different depending on which route, you’re going.
You have to come up with a plan. People are intentional about their career and their work-out regime, but how intentional are they really about their love life? Most people are not. Most people get on a dating app and that’s all they do. So, the second piece of advice is to become intentional through a plan. The best plan is to be on 2 or 3 dating apps, but you also want to involve your friends to help matchmake and also look to work. Work has the highest success rate when it comes to marriages remaining together. If you look at 100 people that get married on a dating app and 100 people that get married through meeting a spouse at work, the work relationships are going to last longer and be more successful. There’s science behind it. Typically, people we work with share our values and are in the same socio-economic category and geography as us, so there are many reasons why.
The thing I would say, in terms of people getting intentional is to spend more time on what you actually like about the person versus what you don’t like about the person. It’s using an open mindset versus a closed mindset. Most people when they go out on dates - because they have so many dates – don’t put a lot of emphasis and value in the date. They are like, “It’s not even a date, we’re gonna have drinks. Later this week I’m gonna meet 5 more people, so you don’t really mean much to me. I don’t like the way you hold your glass, it looks crazy, you must be crazy”. Instead, they should train their mind to think about the 2 or 3 things that they really like about the person and focus on that.
Any tips for couples who are hitting the 7 year itch to help revive their relationship?
You tend to see a high percentage of divorces or separations in couples who have been together 5 – 7 years, and once you get beyond the 7 there’s actually another bump at 10. After you’re past the 10 years, it’s usually smoother sailing. But the key is; the best time to work on your marriage is before you get married. A lot of what I think the “7 Year Itch” is, is people realising they are not with the right partner. The key is to be very confident on the front end, that you’re with the right partner, by doing the work, knowing your values, having the vision etc.
But if you get to that point where you feel you may not be with the right partner, this is where therapy comes into play, and you should spend more time together. Most spouses spend less time with their partner than anyone else in their life. They spend more time with their work colleagues than they do with their actual spouses. So, therapy, spending intentional time with your spouse understanding that relationships are bids and you have to continually put in a bid for love. It’s not like you are 7 years into your relationship and you don’t have to continue to say “I love you” anymore or continue to show appreciation. You have to do that every day constantly, back and forth. And sometimes, you need to put 5 bids in before you get the bid back.
What makes a successful relationship in your eyes?
All couples and individuals need to define what success is. That’s very important. And not to compare. I always say, “compare leads to despair”. And that’s a big problem at Married at First Sight, and the reason we have the dinner parties. Because everyone walks in and start comparing their relationship with someone else. You don’t want to compare what your “success is” to someone else; you have to define it for yourself.
Inevitably, what will drive success, is intentional time, and that is in every aspect of our lives. If you want to become incredible at rugby, it means intentional time and practising. My 8 year loves to edit, he is a YouTuber and edits and has become really good because of intentional time he has spent editing. So, everything in life requires intentional effort and time, and your relationship is no different.
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